Many years ago, when the world was younger than it is today, there were no tongs at all. In those dark days, our ancestors had to pick up food with their bare hands. They were brutal times. Civilization has come a long way since those forgotten days....or has it?
The idea struck me the day after I had been home with a cold. I don't think I was contagious, but maybe I was. I was in line at the cafeteria, eyeing the chocolate chip cookies, when I decided (of course) to purchase one. I grabbed the handy tongs that sat by the cookie bin, grabbed a cookie with them, and placed the cookie on my tray.
Then it hit me. Every person who had procured a cookie that day had touched those tongs. Every one who purchased a cookie after me would be holding the tongs that I had touched. The tongs weren't making cookie grabbing safer, they were actually making it more dangerous.
And so, even though I have absolutely no paranoia about disease, and in fact I think this concept is somewhat silly, I am here to announce that the day of Personal Tongs is about to arrive.
It's time for all corporations that want to
make tons of money prey on our fear of disease responsibly ensure our public health to step forward and start making custom, personal, portable tongs for us to slip through a belt loop or into a purse and carry with us wherever we go. Pop Tart stuck in the toaster? No problem, I've got my tongs. Can't reach the donut in the back of the case? Yes you can; you brought your tongs. Tennis ball stuck in the rain gutter? No problem...oh, wait. Maybe we'll just use a stick for that one.
Bamboo tongs, collapsible stainless-steel tongs, Swiss Army tongs, hand-blown glass tongs, recycled plastic tongs, biodegradable tongs, teak tongs, pleather tongs, mastodon tusk tongs. The time has come for hygienic personal portable tongs.
And, hey, this idea makes way more sense than bottling tap water, shipping it across the country and selling it at a 5000% markup.
I'm sure you are skeptical. But if you think about what you would do if you had your own personal tongs with you at all times, I think you'll come around to my way of thinking.
Give it a year, maybe two. Keep a weather eye open. Personal tongs are coming. They're practically here.
You read it here first.